Toxic ex, missed red flags, and a powerful career lesson
“If you want to fly, you have to give up what weighs you down.”
Hi Ninja,
You might have been in a relationship that didn’t scream “RED FLAG” but dropped subtle hints here and there.
The person might have:
Ridiculed your opinion in public
Lied to you on their whereabouts
Frequently criticized you on your appearance or choices
Controlled what you wear or who you spend your free time with
Shrugged providing emotional support in times of need, saying you’re overreacting
But you still stay in the relationship hoping the person would change or better times would come.
Also, the fact that you are not miserable in the relationship and just face these occasional red flags makes
the pain of breaking up >>> staying with that person.
So, although this is not your ideal person or an ideal relationship, you keep trudging along.
Until one day, sh*t hits the fan.
This is exactly what happened with me in 2022…
…in the corporate world.
I started my first corporate job in 2020 with the enthusiasm of a person falling in love for the first time!
I was chirpy in saying “Good morning!” whereas those not bitten by the love bug just said a neutral “morning”.
My work revolved around Excel and PPTs.
-It was boring repetitive work for me. (1st 🚩 flag)
-I thought I was not learning as much as I wanted to. (2nd 🚩 flag)
-Every Sunday evening was like a kick to my stomach reminding me of work on Monday. (3rd 🚩 flag)
But I stayed. I didn’t think of leaving coz I thought…
-My salary is good.
-Let me first get my PR sorted.
-It’s not like other people are really happy with their jobs, so why am I complaining!
Also, I thought I needed to give it time and that things would get better.
And, sure things got different…
I got put on a project and work that had appealed to me, only to realize something similar to…
“This man is no doubt charismatic from outside - the prince charming that you dreamed of.
But once you actually woo him and start dating, you see the other side and get convinced that appearances can very well be deceiving.”
Now, you get convinced that this person (read job) is NOT a good fit for you and you consider leaving.
But then you get promoted and get a raise. You think “Hmm, things are not that bad. I should stay.”
A few weeks in, you wake up from your dream and realize that it’s still terrible and you decide that you’re going to start applying to new jobs.
A few weeks later, you get recognized for the work that you do.
Then you think “I think we might be compatible if I just don’t get upset by the red flags.”
And the vicious circle starts - of liking your job on 2 days and hating it for the rest 28.
Those 2 days act like a toxic lover.
You know you should leave but when he/she does something bare-minimum sweet, you get manipulated into staying.
But deep down, you know this is not the ideal relationship (job).
The real reason you’re not leaving is because
You are scared to leave because what if the next guy/girl (job) also turns out to be a jerk.
You doubt yourself. Would you be even able to attract a better person (job)?
Despite being toxic, they are your comfort zone.
You don’t leave even if your friends tell you that you are not that bubbly person that you used to be.
It’s not like you don’t want to leave but you wait for the day…
The day something big happens and you can no longer shove the red flags into a box as that box just starts overflowing.
And then…
You wish you hadn’t ignored the red flags all along the way.
You wish you had not wasted that many years on that person.
You wish that someone had told you repeatedly that you deserve better.
So, here I am telling you, to not stay in a toxic job or a job that doesn’t excite you.
Because I know what the other side looks like.
Once I made the switch and got the role of a Social Media Marketer with Ontario Govt…
I no longer dreaded Monday mornings!
I was happy with the work that I was doing.
I got to know what a good culture actually looked like!
The only regret I had was that I didn’t make the switch sooner!
Keep Blooming,
Bani Singh